A non-sarcastic Blog

A real-life Wolverine incident

2009-06-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

Today, I shall be narrating an interesting story(similar to the one I saw in Wolverine) in an interesting way(similar to the manner I saw in Wolverine) to a lot of interesting people(similar to the cast of Wolverine, especially that female lead, who had that not-so-hot sister, and was not hot herself) with interesting thoughts(similar to how she wonders why the moon is so lonely) with interesting dialogs(similar to how she converts that thought of the moon being lonely and all to the word "Wolverine" and therefore, brilliantly, tells him that he should be named Wolverine) with a cool black sidekick, an evil brother who kills at will, a naive(i mean, retarded) super-hero and lots of believable CGI(like that blade coming out of his hands and its reflection on a mirror which was definitely taken in one shot and didn't involve any kind of super-imposition of scenes).

So, here's the story:

Today, my evil brother, my best black friend and I went to the super-market to buy some soap. My retarded brother to cool black friend, "Why are there school?". My(equally retarded) black friend replies, "There is point to it."

Brother not believe answer. Get angry, very much. I mean, my brother doesn't believe his answer and gets totally angry. I get excited too, forgets English grammar, again. Blade come out of fist. But, too chicken to fight. Noob. Brother not to be seen. Neither is black friend. Probably him too dark in badly lit super-market.

Sudden, power come back. Black guy hiding in shadow. Brother near ceiling fan. Mega 2 hour fight with random helicopter crash-landing in front of super-market. I get bored, not settle bill since cashier bigger chicken and not in sight and take bath with newly bought soap. My grammar returns and my blades back in its original place after small session of (dangerous) masturbation in shower.

Another non-sarcastic Post

2009-04-21T01:23:00.000-07:00

This post revolves around this link. The Board of Directors (BOD) have long maintained that there is some correlation between a nation's cinema, and it's level of development, coolness and how it is perceived by the rest of the world.
Non-violence may have been acceptable against the British, but I think stoning and anarchist revolution would be the key to stopping the creative artists who come up with stuff like this.
I present to you now, a selection of the lyrics of the song (with subtitles) of the above video.

La - lalalalala. (La - lalalalala)
Tu meraaaa (You are myyyyy) Superman. (Superman.)
Tu meriiii (You are myyyyy)
Lady. (Lady)
Ho gaya hai apna (This of ours has happened)
Pyaar already. (Love already.)

There are more gems but I have no food left in my stomach to regurgitate.
Also let me draw your attention to certain points in the video.
First of all, why is she wearing a spiderman costume?
00:22 - Wtf? Now spiderman can fly to? If Stan Lee were dead he'd be turnin in his grave right now.
00:44 - Wtf? Upside down flying. Mooning the metropolis.
01:01 and 01:19 - does this form of dancing really captivate Indians? If not, and demand is low, why is the supply so high?
01:10 - Assuming super human strength, you'd hope that the elbow dashing would produce more devastating effects. Maybe a severed limb or two.

With reference to the last post, Indian cinema keeps throwing out these horrible nuggets from time to time. Like this Arjun Rampal movie I saw a clip of recently. He's talking to this other dude and they try and talk ghetto.
"Hey Brother from another mother."
Arjun Rampal :"First of all, I'm not your brother. So don't go on my mother."
I assume this is a rough translation of "Mere ma pe math ja." But the end result is fail. Indian Cinema is replete with such instances. Then of course, is the Hindi remake of the cult classic Memento, Ghajini. Uber fail.

Forget voting, fellow Indians. That is not as important as standing up for what is our right. Refuse to be treated as second class creative citizens any longer.

Butterflies Do Not Cause Tornadoes

2009-04-13T11:34:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm bored again. And you know what that means.It's time to belt The Butterfly Effect once again. For years now I've hated this movie for being stupid and pretentious, and giving totally useless people the opportunity to drop terms like chaos and attractors and what not in casual conversation. Chaos for Dummies, if you would have it.
Just to clarify things, I don't think it's wrong to simplify a scientific concept to reach out to a wider audience.In fact it's probably a good thing to do. But more often than not such attempts are doomed. I remember a bunch of people back in school who discovered books one day, A brief history of time the next day, and then suddenly they were all yakking on about warp drives and wormholes. The problem with people is this - try to simplify something for them, and more often than not they will react in the dumbest possible way. I mean, an analogy is not an isomorphism. Just because someone uses an apple to explain a wormhole, does not imply that the universe is just like an apple. The universe can't be eaten. It doesn't grow on trees, with other universes. There is no forbidden universe. Universes don't spoil after a couple of weeks in the open. All this seems laughably obvious, and yet, if I had a dime for every guy who thought he was qualified to answer the fundamental questions of science after briefly flipping through some random coffee table book with pretty pictures,well, I'd have a lot of dimes.
But I digress. I have no issues with Hawking. He makes a sincere effort to teach people things, and its not really his fault.
TBE on the other hand, sucks ass. It is the lamest movie ever made. It is so bad, that the only possible explanation of why it sucks so much, is it was written by high school drop-outs after a bout of watching Discovery Channel.(I imagine them to be these hairy drooling brutes, so I can't really imagine them reading a book about chaos theory).
And this is why: the butterfly effect is merely an analogy for sensitivity to initial conditions. it means that in a chaotic system like weather,a tiny change in the initial configuration ("a butterfly flapping its wings in hong kong") can lead to a major change over time ("a tornado in texas"). But that's where the analogy ends. The butterfly didn't cause the tornado by flapping its wings. All the elements in the initial state interacting with each other, are responsible for the final state being reached, and to try and trace a tornado back to the butterfly that caused it, is about as stupid as trying to find the exact electron which completes a circuit. And this is exactly what this movie tells you - the hero can trace all of his life's tragedies to single events in his past, and even reverse them . Whoa! Somebody call the Nobel Committee.We have life-altering scientific discoveries.
And it also really sucks that Kamal Hassan implied something similiar in his last movie. Lame.
You can all go back to being dumb now. Bah.

Useful tips for Us Uselesses doin Useless Things

2009-01-05T02:41:00.000-08:00

Forget racism and communalism. There seems to be little literature around for the man who is not afraid to be serious about the trivial. In today's 'Useful tips for Us Useless doin Useless Things' we focus on the 'Jawbreaker' game (and it's variants, BubbleBreaker, Pattern, ZapThat! and Bubblets).
Before I begin, I'd like to say, I know it is very exciting to just see those colourful balls and randomly click groups of two or more and watch them disappear with a pop (the sounds are especially catchy if you're playing it on your i-mate) and end up with scores of around 200. But you have to stop that! It is noobly, and does not befit you. After reading this short guide, you too will be able to score regularly in excess of 600 and if faced with a lucky draw, even touch that magical figure of 1000.
When I first started to research this problem, I decided to analyse the scoring pattern. It did not make any linear sense, because I got 2 points for a pair, 6 for three, and 12 for four. I was nonplussed.
But a simple analysis reveals that if An^2 + Bn + C = 2, 6, 12 for n = 2, 3, 4 respectively, A = 1, B = -1 and C = 0. Now you know.
There is only one basic strategy. Look for clumps(not quite unlike the big one in your head. In this next image, I have manipulated the other balls to get a big clump of purple.

That's 506 points right there! More than you've ever scored!
One common mistake most noobs do is to identify the wrong colour to clump in the beginning. For example, look at this next picture. Blue would be a wrong choice, because there is no 'bridge' (look at column 6 - there is no blue ball - hence you wouldn't get a good clump because your left and right sides are disconnected). A better choice here would be purple, and indeed it was.

Another tip would be to work your way down, for often popping pairs in the bottom would mean upsetting potential points in the top.
There. Now you know. If you still get scores in the range of 200, you are a mega noob who should stick to watching Star Plus family dramas.
(The author is an oozeless individual who disclaims any factual content in the above blog)

The ranting hermit.

There is hope for evil!

2008-12-29T20:23:00.000-08:00

Fools would call this incompetence, the wise would call it potential.

The potential to become the next big sadistic, evil and immoral wrong-doer. The creator of this masterpiece, whoever you are, you have impressed us.

Feed from Weasel-o-matic
Contact us if you ever feel the need for a lucrative career. We can assure you that we will provide you a platform to showcase your great talents and rise high, high in a world that is trying to rid itself of all forms of cruelty. You shall be the beacon of hope for all those who still believe in EVIL!

Pet Peeves Everyone Should Have

2008-12-23T01:30:00.000-08:00

Was it Mark Twain who said that "Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."? Don't know eh? Well it was, and I'm pretty sure too because I just copy pasted that line from somewhere. Notice the full stop at the end of that quote. I didn't even bother editing it out. Okay anyway, on to more important things, like, do I agree with that quote? No I do not. Also in my capacity as the lone ranting hermit on the non-sarcastic (with a hyphen) blog's BOD, I am not allowed to agree with such blasphemy. Not that I want to, you understand. That's the important thing.
Anyway, nub of the matter, so to speak, is that the logical conclusion, is that somethings are stupid. Here's a list.
1. The phrase 'a pain in the butt'. Anybody and everybody keeps spouting the phrase. "Man, this course is a pain in the butt" and "Mark is being a real pain in the ass". I think it is very offensive and ignorant towards people in hospitals suffering from butt disorders. Like I saw this one episode on House (FOX 9PM Eastern) where this guy suffered from a rectal bleed. Now that's a real pain in the butt.
2. People who read the above pet peeve and observed I used the name 'Mark' instead of a more 'Indian' name like 'Oomanakuttan' or 'Nelson Mohammad Gandhi'. So, I wanted to reach a wider audience, sue me. Unless you're a crazy lawyer. In which case, you can express your discontent in a civil manner in the comments section.
3. The word 'cool'. It's overdone. And it's variations, like 'cool stuff', 'cool shit', 'cool man' and the especially putrid 'coolio'. I wonder where he is though, 'Coolio'. Kinda disappeared after that lone grammy he won in '96. So, if you're playing jeopardy and the category is 'four letter words that have been abused the most' for $300 and you get the word 'cool', don't answer with a 'Hey, let's eat Pizza today?' or a 'Wanna go for a movie?'. Try instead a 'How would you like your lemonade this hot summer day?' or even a 'How does the muzzle of a gun pressed against your temple feel?'.
4. Same as three, but you chose the category 'most abused three letter words' for $500 instead and the word was 'hot'. Priyanka Chopra is a Goddess who walks on earth and is the epitome of grace and perfection. A metal foundry on the other hand, is 'hot'. I mean these are slang that have existed for more than 20 years now. We're in danger of using the same slang as old people. It is time to move on.
5. People who thought The Dark Knight was only an 'okay' movie. Suddenly, everyone's a critic. I've seen puke with better taste.
6. Rumours of Ronaldo moving to Real. Like ManU's some stupid hick who gets dumped at the altar and then decides to return to his hometown and introspect on his life and pick up the pieces of what's left of it and then realises he has nothing really earth shattering going on his life anyway and proceeds to disembowel himself. It's a subtle analogy. You have to go through it with a fine toothed comb to get it.
7. People who have pet peeves not on this list. Grow up, suck-on-it and learn to be tolerant you intolerant vastards, as a friend of the BOD likes to put it.

Yours sincerely,
The ranting hermit.

Extremely normal band names

2008-11-30T03:53:00.000-08:00

Warning: This post might be too dangerous even for our regular readers.

I personally love a lot of music (Go Britney!!!!!1111). Its not a big deal if you are a solo artist, 'coz you can keep your own name as the "band name". But there are exceptions to this too - intelligent people like L L Cool J. (Don't ask me how I know this, but L L stands for Ladies Love.) Next we have "The artist formerly known as Prince". Wouldn't it be really cool to change your name to an un-pronounceable word.? Apparently, "The artist formerly known as Prince" thought so too. Of course, at that time he was just known as Prince.

Super cool names maybe limited to individuals. But normal names are more common to bands. Take for example, one of my all time favorite bands : Porcupine Tree. There is only one possible explanation for that name. The band members had gone on a trek. While they were eating mangoes from the top of a "Tree", a huge rock fell on one of the band members. (Incidentally, this explains the sudden disappearance of one of the Porcupine Tree's founding Greek members: Mr. Porcupinus Treus.) Anyway, it was found out that a "Porcupine" had pushed the rock. Whether by mistake or on purpose, still remains a mystery. Amazingly, the porcupine was also eating mangoes from another "Tree" at a higher altitude.

Another band that I recently discovered was "The Pineapple Thief". It is pretty obvious as to why that name was chosen, if you know a little background info about its members. Their neighbor was a "pineapple" cultivator. For unknown reasons, he was losing a lot of pineapples. He thought it was flying pterodactyls that devoured his precious fruits. But once his musical neighbors became famous and revealed their band name, the little farmer sued the band members for all the money he had lost. The farmer won case but with no reward, since the band was called "The Pineapple Thief" and NOT "The Pineapple Thieves". They handed over a homeless person hanging around their house as the single thief, thereby achieving a moral victory even though the case was lost.

The homeless guy was released soon afterwards, since he enjoyed living in his cell more than on the streets. Becoming desperate, he became a serial killer so as to get back indoors, but the police wouldn't let him. Eventually, he became rich and got his own house, knowing which, the cops put him back in the cell and charged him with 11 life sentences.

Here is a complete list of equally normal band names that I did not refer to while writing this:
http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/quotes/funnyband.html

I had warned you about this post.

Spam alert!

2008-11-15T02:54:00.000-08:00

This post is of high importance and will contain minimal sarcasm, possibly even zero sarcasm.

The spam I refer to is not from the outside. Instead it is one of our co-authors who decided to contaminate our dear NSB. It has always been our nature to stick to principles and not break them, whatever the circumstances. But the post on Chromotron came in as a major shock to me! The rules that he so blatantly broke are:

1. Every post must contain as much evil as is possible. The only evil word in his post was 'dark'. Simply unacceptable.

2. All posts must be very different from other posts. The usage of must...blah, must...blahblah and must...more blahblahblah is getting ridiculous.

3. Death, evil, must...kill, idiot, Dodo

4. Every post must be useless. Useful posts can go to tuttyfruitymushywushy.blogspot.com or usefulpostssonly.blogspot.com or ibemakingverygayposts.blogspot.com

Must stay bored...

2008-11-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

Must play Chronotron... Must stay bored...feeel weak... going dark... reach keynoarrrrrr...Wlrah.

http://www.addictinggames.com/chronotron.html

How to get bored

2008-10-27T04:37:00.000-07:00

Since I am bored most of the time these days, I thought I might help others who might be trying to follow the path of boredom. All the people get bored some of the time. Some people get bored all the time. But, it is my life mission to make all the people bored all the time. Now that is not an easy task. But I found out a way that helped me in getting closer to that goal.

It all started with a bit of laziness, which, of course, is a pre-requisite for boredom. If you are not born lazy, then this is not for you. Even if you were trained to be lazy, it would be hard to follow the talented lazy ones. So, as I was saying, this laziness started because I had to get a bottle of maaza from my refrigerator to quench my thirst while I was lying on my bed with my laptop. After thinking for about half an hour, whether or not to get that bottle, my thirst ordered me to go and get it. In that hurry, my laptop fell on the floor, creating a small dent on the marble floor. It also transferred some of that white paint onto my extremely shiny and well-maintained black laptop.

Luckily, it was still working but I found out that the wireless connection on my laptop had decided to go berserk. It was now giving a speed of 3 kbps instead of the usual 60. The next thing I saw were the gates to hell opening themselves, inviting me in. But, after some thought, I realized that I should act more sensibly. And so, I am currently sharing this incident to all those who want to follow me. Here are the steps:

1. Pick up your laptop.

2. Raise it to around 2 meters above the ground.

3. (Optional) Turn on the laptop. This will give better results.

4. Make sure that 5 fingers are used to hold the laptop.

5. Start a countdown from 10 down till 0.

6. Pretend to squish a fly near your ears with both hands the second you mutter zero.

7. Within 1 second, the marble paint should be on your shiny well-maintained black laptop.

8. Check to see that the laptop is still working.

9. If it is not, probably your wireless connection is also not working, which is a good thing.

10. If your wireless connection is still working, repeat the above steps till it stops working, or your laptop becomes white, or your downstairs neighbour starts complaining, or your laptop stops working.

11. The time taken to get bored will now depend on other factors. I got bored in 20 seconds. It would take even upto 2 hours. This is inversely proportional to your coolness factor.

12. As a final step, if all of this went according to plan, you should have suicided by now and not gotten to see Step # 12. I would have already met you in hell.

Be a-ware! Do the right thing!

2008-10-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,
NSB was started as a blog to make a difference to our world, and we intend to keep that promise. Every post is delivered to you freshly packed and enriched with NutriWords™, supplemented by VitaGraphs™ and plenty of FibroPics™ so that you get a complete, balanced, wholesome dose of information that adds that zinnnng to your day!
At NSB, we care, about you, your family and their well-being, and would never entertain even the faintest notions of providing anything less than the very best!

The exciting lives of the people around us is what motivates every member here at NSB to provide the very best articles. Today's article is a tribute to the lives of these people, who sit at their comps with grit and determination, to make their day special and live out their dreams! We salute you! \0/
PS: Yes, we're a motivated bunch :)

Disproved

2008-10-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, scientists after 6 years, 5 months, 4 days, 3 hours, 2 minutes and 1 second of research, found out that the bird was actually not a word. The startling information came just minutes before the official announcement for the confirmation of bird being the same as a word.

The scientific calculations proved that the bird was equal to or greater than a word. Therefore, the chance that the bird was exactly equal to a bird was very very slim. The fact that it has been widely published that the bird was equal to the word, was interpreted as 'the bird is ALWAYS equal to the word'. This has now been modified to 'the bird is SOMETIMES equal to the word'.

Although, it may only be a minor rewording of the statement, it has had pretty strong repercussions all over the world. But, it may not be the biggest scare yet, because there are rumors that scientists are on the verge of another major discovery, that the 'bird itself is not a bird'.

Did you know that...

2008-10-08T14:02:00.001-07:00

Over the years, humans have produced some good music(Yeah ok, Humans - Creed have produced good music). But, ever once in a while, they come up with songs that have such complexity, such guitar solos, such melodies and most signficantly, such beauty. Probably the greatest song ever made has to be "Surfin' Bird' by The Trashmen. If you thought the title was good and the band name was great, then the lyrics are gonna blow your mind away:

A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a don't you know about the bird?
Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word!
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a...

A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird
Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a don't you know about the bird?
Well, everybody's talking about the bird!
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a bird...

Surfin' bird
Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb... [retching noises]... aaah!

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-
Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ooma-mow-mow
Papa-ooma-mow-mow

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow
Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow
Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow
Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow
Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow
Oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow
Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-oom-oom-oom
Oom-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow
Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow
Papa-a-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow
Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow
Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow
Papa-oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow
Oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow
Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow
Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow
Well don't you know about the bird?
Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word!
A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

Very very surprisingly, the Ramones have covered this song. Maybe the world hadn't yet realized that the bird is a word.

coming soon: adventure,mystery, and gratuitous sex

2008-10-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

The Last Panda hasn't been spotted in a while.Some say he is dead. Some say he quit his job as a bad-humour fighting supervillain to preach at the church of scientology. Still others say he just nipped down to the local porn store to refill his dwindling supplies. His less talented minion co-bloggers have been posting (mostly random pieces of clipart floating about on the interwebs) intermittently. People walking on the streets pause a while, their weary eyes searching the murky skies for a sign of justice and comic relief, only to quickly look again and walk back to their mundane lives. Will there be no relief from this dastardly assault on taste? Will not a new hero arise to bring back evil grins to the faces of the wretched unwashed masses? Who shall save us all from this pit of literary depression(or recession perhaps)? Maybe a racoon, or a possessed teddy bear?

Fear not. The Panda lives. From this wretched uncharted corner of the blogosphere, he shall arise anew, in his own film-noir style comic strip. As soon as hes back from the local porn store.

The Abyss of Despair (Sniff..Sob!)

2008-10-07T11:33:00.000-07:00

I hang my head in shame today. I can't believe I did that! Oh! To have stared into the abyss and have it stare back at you, drowning within the torrent of despair that distorts reality into bananas!
Alas, what I thought had been an lifetime of dedication to Dr. Evil, turned out to be a sham, a hopeless pretense, a jar of bananas, which I, as an innocent ( meaning impeccably evil ) monkey, stuck my hand into, to have it stuck there FOREVER!

Oh the shame of it all! Exposed like this, you see my soul standing stark naked in front of your eyes, and a revolting little soul it is, albeit a tad good-looking, if I say so myself. Yet hope still remains... I hope. Purged of the mole spirit that infested my very being, I'm born anew, a new monke...man - no more chasing after bananas and other weasel traps.

My fellow post-men of the NSB, my fans and beloved readers from around the world, my mentor Dr. Evil, and yes, my teddy bear George, I ask you only this once to forgive me. The twisted dirt path that I led is now behind me. I've climbed out of that mucking road, once and for all and moved onto the highway - a long glorious road that has only darkness and pure evil at the end of it. I'm sorry that I let you all down. I truly am, and I wish to wipe the past clean like a janitor with a bucket of phenyl and a mop, and see life for what it truly is.
The treatment I underwent snapped me back to my senses, and upon re-discovering the incalculable amount of creativity stashed within that psychological masterpiece of mine, I proceeded on my latest creation, a work that symbolizes what has been taken away by those snivelling weasels! Ah, but look closely for there's lots left... Here's to a great new life of evil!

We may have a mole

2008-10-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

Dear NSB readers,

It is with great sadness that I inform you, that NSB may not be the pure evil we intended it to be. While it is true that we are way more evil than our nearest competitors (wannabenonsarcasticblog.blogspot.com and nonsarcasticblog.livejournal.com), we seem to have a cross between a mole and a weasel amongst us. We at NSB require only one trait - the ability to say, think and do evil. Also, we're extremely picky about the species we choose to recruit. We have no problem with evil men, evil monkeys, evil pandas, evil cows and other evil beings of otherwise peaceful species.

So when we recruited Thngz as an evil monkey, we never questioned him about his background and past, simply because he was pure evil and such talent is hard to come by these days. However, recent events have brought to light facts that we couldn't have imagined even in our most evil dreams (Not even after being completely blood drunk)

Our investigations indicate that the weasel-mole has been trying his best to join other wannabe evil companies by trying to discredit other prominent NSB members. The recent graph published on NSB was the nail in the coffin. Our sleuths then tailed Thngz to investigate possible motives. What they subsequently found was shocking and we would like to warn you of the graphic content of the following parts of this message. It is highly suitable for kids below 18 years of age. Adults, please step back.

Apparently, Thngz did all this to get ahead in his career. Thngz confessed to a dame that he felt he wasn't evil enough to compete with the rest of NSB and hence he tried getting a job with Evilsoft by leaking well protected NSB secrets to them. We have received information that his reward would have been the following luxurious office ...

Thngz's real identity was exposed when we sent one of our best photographers to ask him to pose and show the camera his inner self. Thngz gladly obliged and this was the photo that was taken.

We like evil, but a mole pretending to be evil is, in fact good, and that is by no means acceptable. So our elite crime fighting force got to work and I am happy to inform you that we have flushed out all the good from the mole (We couldn't flush out the mole simply because his potential to do evil is simply too great)

However, all is not lost. To quote our mentor Dr Evil, "Where there is evil, there are many ways". The flushmolotherapy seems to be working and thngz seems to be losing his weasel mole attributes and whatever that is good in him has been purged forever. Here's wishing him a speedy recovery.

Feed from Weasel-o-matic
Also, we at NSB pledge never to let mishaps like this happen ever again, for it questions the core processes of our esteemed organization and casts serious doubts over our ability to satisfy our customers with the top quality they have come to expect from us

Just to show you the progress Thngz has been making, here is a latest photo of Thngz

We know he looks a bit off colour, but he's showing great improvement and very soon, things will be back to normal in Blogsville.

Evil knight vs Peter Griffin

2008-10-03T23:57:00.000-07:00

Evil knight: You see that kids? Your father's nothing but a FIZZLE!

Peter: Nobody calls me a FIZZLE and gets away with it!

Well, except for that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it.

But most people who call me a FIZZLE don't get away with it!

Well, actully the guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle.

After today, only half the people who ever called me a FIZZLE will have gotten away with it!

NSB History (And a sign of things to come...)

2008-10-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure you're aware, NSB recruits only the very best of the best non-sarcastic, non-idiotic, and incorruptibly evil mon..er...people, and demands their very best (read most non-sarcastic, non-idiotic and purely evil work) from them. Yet, despite our best efforts to maintain our lofty standards, the vile evil that is mediocrity (by that we mean good, saintly stuff) seems to have slithered its tentacles amidst us, defiling (by purifying) all our evil thoughts before we get them onto the blog. Therefore, it is with great regret that I must release the Awesomeness! Figures for this quarter (quarter of what, I'm not really sure, but the chart was too cool to hold back).

As you can clearly see, the Awesomeness! of our posts have been steadily declining, and we attribute this to the intense joy of unrestricted consumerism, that have infected our blogging team because of the high salaries earned by their alter egos. This proves, once again, that money is NOT the root of all evil, rather it CAN buy happiness. That's certainly not a good thing (not evil is never good) and we'll try our best in the future by spending it off quickly and never possessing too much of it at any given time.

Yes, a few posts do stand much above the others, and they will always serve as beacons, radiating evil/non-sarcasm/non-idiocy in our goody-goody universe!

Evil dead?

2008-10-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

Have you done your bad deed of the day? Probably not, but if I had asked you this very same question 5 years ago, everyone would have said yes with their evil laughs. In a shocking twist of events, non-sarcastic blog experts have found some disturbing statistics found on the front page of Blog Times - "98% of the people in the world are not evil." This is very scary indeed, considering the fact that the main reason we are alive on earth is to see evil, hear evil and of course, do evil.

We sent our top reporters to the scene of this announcement. "Yes, it is quite sad that evilness is coming to an end", said Thngz, who wished to stay anonymous, we chose otherwise. At the same time, a pissed-off Evil Panda exclaimed, "I will not let idiots take over the world!", who had no such intentions of staying anonymous. "Idiots?", asked our number one reporter, 47, who had such amazing buttering skills that even pandas slipped and fell down. "What do you mean by idiots?"

"If you are not evil, you are an idiot.", concluded Evil Panda. We managed to get a snapshot of what has been going on.

In spite of all this mayhem, we still have a ray of hope. There are still people(and monkeys) who hold on to what they truly believe. That is why they were born, that is their sole purpose of living - to mock the idiots.

And we at NSB truly believe in that motto - Death to all the idiots! Ahahhahahhaha!!!!!!!!!1111one

2008-09-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

This just in ..

In a shocking twist of events, the innocent citizens of Blogosphere witnessed a first-of-its-kind superhero scandal today. Their beloved hero Thngz, was caught signing a deal that would make him brand ambassador of a famous undergarment company, in exchange for customized designs of undergarments for himself.

Both Thngz and his lawyer refused comment. However, retired ace superhero TMX had this to say : "Thngz had been complaining to me about difficulties in flying and about his clothes affecting his flight pattern. Little did I know that the matter was so grave. I must remind the public and the media that some superheroes go through phases in their lives that aren't all that heroic." Mr TMX further urged the public not to be too harsh on Thngz. "I know that irrespective of his choice in clothes, all he wants is a better Blogoshphere" - said Mr TMX.

In addition to all this, reports have come in that 47, widely touted to be the next big superhero, confronted Thngz and demanded that he retire with immediate effect for his unacceptable actions. Witnesses at Murgeshpalya swear to have seen the following scene go down ...

It is also being rumoured that the super villain Evil Panda, arch rival of Thngz, is planning to use this to his advantage and discredit Thngz, as revenge for the number of times he has gotten in Panda's way as he tried to take over the world.

Things are pretty grim in Blogosphere. One thin tall gentleman, who didn't want to be named out of fear, had this to say: "I fear for my life, the lives of my three wives and ten kids. I think the government should have strict laws curtailing the powers of these superheroes. They are becoming a bad influence on the youth of today. I have decided to relocate my family to Manchester until this whole situation is resolved. Yes, I mean the family I started with you, Martha."

Things are tense in Blogosphere at the moment. We as citizens, can only ... Hope.

This Post Is As Important As the Post Below

2008-09-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

As always, I make my entry in the nick of time to rescue my fellow post-men from their abyssmal fates. Never fear, innocent citizens of the blogosphere, for though their cruel hand may yet ruin this blog, that very act shall be their undoing! 'Cos from its ashes, a new blog shall arise, stronger and less sarcastic than the last, and owned by me and me alone! A blog that shall own all other blogs, free of all mortal interference, free to do as it wills, that shall build itself, mould its own destiny and evolve to become one with the fabric of the human psyche and an inseparable part of the universe!
(Applause)

Blog saved. Check.
Look cool. Check. (Adjusts cape)
Grand hero speech. Check.
Up, up and away routine. Check.

All in a day's work for...

This post is not important

2008-09-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

As there has been an immense bit of involvement from the "contributors" of this blog, I have decided to do something non-drastic. If I don't get a comment for this post, I will continue posting and if I do, I will stop posting this shit. Even if the comment comes from the other 3 dudes "posting" here, that's fine.

P.S: I had to put in two non-sarcastic statements to make some kinda sense out of this.

BREAKING NEWS!

2008-09-08T23:36:00.000-07:00

CATS dies! The world is belong to us now.

All your base are still belongs to us

2008-09-07T07:34:00.000-07:00

CATS isn't wanting to relinquish bases to you. He is still owns all the bases.

Also, someone set us up the bomb.

You are not own any bases

2008-09-04T08:29:00.000-07:00

'coz CATS owns it all

I just couldn't resist posting this.

Weasel-o-matic

2008-09-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

We are proud to launch our first product, Weasel-o-matic version 1.0 (Beta)

Our core objectives with respect to this first-of-its-kind product are two fold:

1) To provide our readers with an enriching and unique experience.
2) To continue to provide our readers with the enriching and unique experience that they have come to expect from us.

Our development team consists of four of the most talented Software Engineers doing what they are best at - Innovating.

We are pleased to inform you that after rigorous smoke testing and QA,
Weasel-o-matic has been successfully deployed and is currently operating smoothly.

Care has been taken to ensure that Weasel-o-matic is a completely platform independant and scalable product. All users of Weasel-o-matic can expect excellent and tireless support from us, the designers of Weasel-o-matic.

Of course, Weasel-o-matic is completely open source and we welcome other enthusiasts to contribute to make Weasel-o-matic the biggest open source project ever. You know the saying : "Successful software is always changing!"

The source code can be found here : http://nonsarcasticblog.blogspot.com/

---------

Weasel-o-matic Live Test 1.0: Success
Awaiting further tests ...

2008-09-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

Bad Bad Avi. No Danish black currant preserve for you.

Yaaaawn.

2008-09-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

I can see we have the most creative humour around. Oh joy, to be working with such a team. Yippie.

Why our lives are exciting.

2008-09-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

Today we got Danish black currant preserve and Bosco's chocolate syrup. We have a pic to prove it.

Also,I make the best sandwiches in Ejipura. Ha. Burn in hell, consumers of mediocre sandwiches.

A non-sarcastic post

2008-09-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

I(We) have decided that there is too much sarcasm in this world and hence, it must come to an end. So, a few of us have decided to make a blog which contains absolutely no hint of sarcasm. This blog will only contain sentences with straight-forward implications and no twisted inner meanings. It will also be monitored closely every hour of the day. See you next hour.