A real-life Wolverine incident

Today, I shall be narrating an interesting story(similar to the one I saw in Wolverine) in an interesting way(similar to the manner I saw in Wolverine) to a lot of interesting people(similar to the cast of Wolverine, especially that female lead, who had that not-so-hot sister, and was not hot herself) with interesting thoughts(similar to how she wonders why the moon is so lonely) with interesting dialogs(similar to how she converts that thought of the moon being lonely and all to the word "Wolverine" and therefore, brilliantly, tells him that he should be named Wolverine) with a cool black sidekick, an evil brother who kills at will, a naive(i mean, retarded) super-hero and lots of believable CGI(like that blade coming out of his hands and its reflection on a mirror which was definitely taken in one shot and didn't involve any kind of super-imposition of scenes).

So, here's the story:

Today, my evil brother, my best black friend and I went to the super-market to buy some soap. My retarded brother to cool black friend, "Why are there school?". My(equally retarded) black friend replies, "There is point to it."

Brother not believe answer. Get angry, very much. I mean, my brother doesn't believe his answer and gets totally angry. I get excited too, forgets English grammar, again. Blade come out of fist. But, too chicken to fight. Noob. Brother not to be seen. Neither is black friend. Probably him too dark in badly lit super-market.

Sudden, power come back. Black guy hiding in shadow. Brother near ceiling fan. Mega 2 hour fight with random helicopter crash-landing in front of super-market. I get bored, not settle bill since cashier bigger chicken and not in sight and take bath with newly bought soap. My grammar returns and my blades back in its original place after small session of (dangerous) masturbation in shower.

Another non-sarcastic Post

This post revolves around this link. The Board of Directors (BOD) have long maintained that there is some correlation between a nation's cinema, and it's level of development, coolness and how it is perceived by the rest of the world.
Non-violence may have been acceptable against the British, but I think stoning and anarchist revolution would be the key to stopping the creative artists who come up with stuff like this.
I present to you now, a selection of the lyrics of the song (with subtitles) of the above video.

La - lalalalala. (La - lalalalala)
Tu meraaaa (You are myyyyy) Superman. (Superman.)
Tu meriiii (You are myyyyy)
Lady. (Lady)
Ho gaya hai apna (This of ours has happened)
Pyaar already. (Love already.)

There are more gems but I have no food left in my stomach to regurgitate.
Also let me draw your attention to certain points in the video.
First of all, why is she wearing a spiderman costume?
00:22 - Wtf? Now spiderman can fly to? If Stan Lee were dead he'd be turnin in his grave right now.
00:44 - Wtf? Upside down flying. Mooning the metropolis.
01:01 and 01:19 - does this form of dancing really captivate Indians? If not, and demand is low, why is the supply so high?
01:10 - Assuming super human strength, you'd hope that the elbow dashing would produce more devastating effects. Maybe a severed limb or two.

With reference to the last post, Indian cinema keeps throwing out these horrible nuggets from time to time. Like this Arjun Rampal movie I saw a clip of recently. He's talking to this other dude and they try and talk ghetto.
"Hey Brother from another mother."
Arjun Rampal :"First of all, I'm not your brother. So don't go on my mother."
I assume this is a rough translation of "Mere ma pe math ja." But the end result is fail. Indian Cinema is replete with such instances. Then of course, is the Hindi remake of the cult classic Memento, Ghajini. Uber fail.

Forget voting, fellow Indians. That is not as important as standing up for what is our right. Refuse to be treated as second class creative citizens any longer.

Butterflies Do Not Cause Tornadoes

Well, I'm bored again. And you know what that means.It's time to belt The Butterfly Effect once again. For years now I've hated this movie for being stupid and pretentious, and giving totally useless people the opportunity to drop terms like chaos and attractors and what not in casual conversation. Chaos for Dummies, if you would have it.
Just to clarify things, I don't think it's wrong to simplify a scientific concept to reach out to a wider audience.In fact it's probably a good thing to do. But more often than not such attempts are doomed. I remember a bunch of people back in school who discovered books one day, A brief history of time the next day, and then suddenly they were all yakking on about warp drives and wormholes. The problem with people is this - try to simplify something for them, and more often than not they will react in the dumbest possible way. I mean, an analogy is not an isomorphism. Just because someone uses an apple to explain a wormhole, does not imply that the universe is just like an apple. The universe can't be eaten. It doesn't grow on trees, with other universes. There is no forbidden universe. Universes don't spoil after a couple of weeks in the open. All this seems laughably obvious, and yet, if I had a dime for every guy who thought he was qualified to answer the fundamental questions of science after briefly flipping through some random coffee table book with pretty pictures,well, I'd have a lot of dimes.
But I digress. I have no issues with Hawking. He makes a sincere effort to teach people things, and its not really his fault.
TBE on the other hand, sucks ass. It is the lamest movie ever made. It is so bad, that the only possible explanation of why it sucks so much, is it was written by high school drop-outs after a bout of watching Discovery Channel.(I imagine them to be these hairy drooling brutes, so I can't really imagine them reading a book about chaos theory).
And this is why: the butterfly effect is merely an analogy for sensitivity to initial conditions. it means that in a chaotic system like weather,a tiny change in the initial configuration ("a butterfly flapping its wings in hong kong") can lead to a major change over time ("a tornado in texas"). But that's where the analogy ends. The butterfly didn't cause the tornado by flapping its wings. All the elements in the initial state interacting with each other, are responsible for the final state being reached, and to try and trace a tornado back to the butterfly that caused it, is about as stupid as trying to find the exact electron which completes a circuit. And this is exactly what this movie tells you - the hero can trace all of his life's tragedies to single events in his past, and even reverse them . Whoa! Somebody call the Nobel Committee.We have life-altering scientific discoveries.
And it also really sucks that Kamal Hassan implied something similiar in his last movie. Lame.
You can all go back to being dumb now. Bah.

Useful tips for Us Uselesses doin Useless Things

Forget racism and communalism. There seems to be little literature around for the man who is not afraid to be serious about the trivial. In today's 'Useful tips for Us Useless doin Useless Things' we focus on the 'Jawbreaker' game (and it's variants, BubbleBreaker, Pattern, ZapThat! and Bubblets).
Before I begin, I'd like to say, I know it is very exciting to just see those colourful balls and randomly click groups of two or more and watch them disappear with a pop (the sounds are especially catchy if you're playing it on your i-mate) and end up with scores of around 200. But you have to stop that! It is noobly, and does not befit you. After reading this short guide, you too will be able to score regularly in excess of 600 and if faced with a lucky draw, even touch that magical figure of 1000.
When I first started to research this problem, I decided to analyse the scoring pattern. It did not make any linear sense, because I got 2 points for a pair, 6 for three, and 12 for four. I was nonplussed.
But a simple analysis reveals that if An^2 + Bn + C = 2, 6, 12 for n = 2, 3, 4 respectively, A = 1, B = -1 and C = 0. Now you know.
There is only one basic strategy. Look for clumps(not quite unlike the big one in your head. In this next image, I have manipulated the other balls to get a big clump of purple.

That's 506 points right there! More than you've ever scored!
One common mistake most noobs do is to identify the wrong colour to clump in the beginning. For example, look at this next picture. Blue would be a wrong choice, because there is no 'bridge' (look at column 6 - there is no blue ball - hence you wouldn't get a good clump because your left and right sides are disconnected). A better choice here would be purple, and indeed it was.


Another tip would be to work your way down, for often popping pairs in the bottom would mean upsetting potential points in the top.
There. Now you know. If you still get scores in the range of 200, you are a mega noob who should stick to watching Star Plus family dramas.
(The author is an oozeless individual who disclaims any factual content in the above blog)

The ranting hermit.

There is hope for evil!

Fools would call this incompetence, the wise would call it potential.

The potential to become the next big sadistic, evil and immoral wrong-doer. The creator of this masterpiece, whoever you are, you have impressed us.

Feed from Weasel-o-matic
Contact us if you ever feel the need for a lucrative career. We can assure you that we will provide you a platform to showcase your great talents and rise high, high in a world that is trying to rid itself of all forms of cruelty. You shall be the beacon of hope for all those who still believe in EVIL!

Pet Peeves Everyone Should Have

Was it Mark Twain who said that "Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."? Don't know eh? Well it was, and I'm pretty sure too because I just copy pasted that line from somewhere. Notice the full stop at the end of that quote. I didn't even bother editing it out. Okay anyway, on to more important things, like, do I agree with that quote? No I do not. Also in my capacity as the lone ranting hermit on the non-sarcastic (with a hyphen) blog's BOD, I am not allowed to agree with such blasphemy. Not that I want to, you understand. That's the important thing.
Anyway, nub of the matter, so to speak, is that the logical conclusion, is that somethings are stupid. Here's a list.
1. The phrase 'a pain in the butt'. Anybody and everybody keeps spouting the phrase. "Man, this course is a pain in the butt" and "Mark is being a real pain in the ass". I think it is very offensive and ignorant towards people in hospitals suffering from butt disorders. Like I saw this one episode on House (FOX 9PM Eastern) where this guy suffered from a rectal bleed. Now that's a real pain in the butt.
2. People who read the above pet peeve and observed I used the name 'Mark' instead of a more 'Indian' name like 'Oomanakuttan' or 'Nelson Mohammad Gandhi'. So, I wanted to reach a wider audience, sue me. Unless you're a crazy lawyer. In which case, you can express your discontent in a civil manner in the comments section.
3. The word 'cool'. It's overdone. And it's variations, like 'cool stuff', 'cool shit', 'cool man' and the especially putrid 'coolio'. I wonder where he is though, 'Coolio'. Kinda disappeared after that lone grammy he won in '96. So, if you're playing jeopardy and the category is 'four letter words that have been abused the most' for $300 and you get the word 'cool', don't answer with a 'Hey, let's eat Pizza today?' or a 'Wanna go for a movie?'. Try instead a 'How would you like your lemonade this hot summer day?' or even a 'How does the muzzle of a gun pressed against your temple feel?'.
4. Same as three, but you chose the category 'most abused three letter words' for $500 instead and the word was 'hot'. Priyanka Chopra is a Goddess who walks on earth and is the epitome of grace and perfection. A metal foundry on the other hand, is 'hot'. I mean these are slang that have existed for more than 20 years now. We're in danger of using the same slang as old people. It is time to move on.
5. People who thought The Dark Knight was only an 'okay' movie. Suddenly, everyone's a critic. I've seen puke with better taste.
6. Rumours of Ronaldo moving to Real. Like ManU's some stupid hick who gets dumped at the altar and then decides to return to his hometown and introspect on his life and pick up the pieces of what's left of it and then realises he has nothing really earth shattering going on his life anyway and proceeds to disembowel himself. It's a subtle analogy. You have to go through it with a fine toothed comb to get it.
7. People who have pet peeves not on this list. Grow up, suck-on-it and learn to be tolerant you intolerant vastards, as a friend of the BOD likes to put it.

Yours sincerely,
The ranting hermit.

Extremely normal band names

Warning: This post might be too dangerous even for our regular readers.

I personally love a lot of music (Go Britney!!!!!1111). Its not a big deal if you are a solo artist, 'coz you can keep your own name as the "band name". But there are exceptions to this too - intelligent people like L L Cool J. (Don't ask me how I know this, but L L stands for Ladies Love.) Next we have "The artist formerly known as Prince". Wouldn't it be really cool to change your name to an un-pronounceable word.? Apparently, "The artist formerly known as Prince" thought so too. Of course, at that time he was just known as Prince.

Super cool names maybe limited to individuals. But normal names are more common to bands. Take for example, one of my all time favorite bands : Porcupine Tree. There is only one possible explanation for that name. The band members had gone on a trek. While they were eating mangoes from the top of a "Tree", a huge rock fell on one of the band members. (Incidentally, this explains the sudden disappearance of one of the Porcupine Tree's founding Greek members: Mr. Porcupinus Treus.) Anyway, it was found out that a "Porcupine" had pushed the rock. Whether by mistake or on purpose, still remains a mystery. Amazingly, the porcupine was also eating mangoes from another "Tree" at a higher altitude.

Another band that I recently discovered was "The Pineapple Thief". It is pretty obvious as to why that name was chosen, if you know a little background info about its members. Their neighbor was a "pineapple" cultivator. For unknown reasons, he was losing a lot of pineapples. He thought it was flying pterodactyls that devoured his precious fruits. But once his musical neighbors became famous and revealed their band name, the little farmer sued the band members for all the money he had lost. The farmer won case but with no reward, since the band was called "The Pineapple Thief" and NOT "The Pineapple Thieves". They handed over a homeless person hanging around their house as the single thief, thereby achieving a moral victory even though the case was lost.

The homeless guy was released soon afterwards, since he enjoyed living in his cell more than on the streets. Becoming desperate, he became a serial killer so as to get back indoors, but the police wouldn't let him. Eventually, he became rich and got his own house, knowing which, the cops put him back in the cell and charged him with 11 life sentences.

Here is a complete list of equally normal band names that I did not refer to while writing this:
http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/quotes/funnyband.html

I had warned you about this post.