Useful tips for Us Uselesses doin Useless Things

Forget racism and communalism. There seems to be little literature around for the man who is not afraid to be serious about the trivial. In today's 'Useful tips for Us Useless doin Useless Things' we focus on the 'Jawbreaker' game (and it's variants, BubbleBreaker, Pattern, ZapThat! and Bubblets).
Before I begin, I'd like to say, I know it is very exciting to just see those colourful balls and randomly click groups of two or more and watch them disappear with a pop (the sounds are especially catchy if you're playing it on your i-mate) and end up with scores of around 200. But you have to stop that! It is noobly, and does not befit you. After reading this short guide, you too will be able to score regularly in excess of 600 and if faced with a lucky draw, even touch that magical figure of 1000.
When I first started to research this problem, I decided to analyse the scoring pattern. It did not make any linear sense, because I got 2 points for a pair, 6 for three, and 12 for four. I was nonplussed.
But a simple analysis reveals that if An^2 + Bn + C = 2, 6, 12 for n = 2, 3, 4 respectively, A = 1, B = -1 and C = 0. Now you know.
There is only one basic strategy. Look for clumps(not quite unlike the big one in your head. In this next image, I have manipulated the other balls to get a big clump of purple.

That's 506 points right there! More than you've ever scored!
One common mistake most noobs do is to identify the wrong colour to clump in the beginning. For example, look at this next picture. Blue would be a wrong choice, because there is no 'bridge' (look at column 6 - there is no blue ball - hence you wouldn't get a good clump because your left and right sides are disconnected). A better choice here would be purple, and indeed it was.


Another tip would be to work your way down, for often popping pairs in the bottom would mean upsetting potential points in the top.
There. Now you know. If you still get scores in the range of 200, you are a mega noob who should stick to watching Star Plus family dramas.
(The author is an oozeless individual who disclaims any factual content in the above blog)

The ranting hermit.

There is hope for evil!

Fools would call this incompetence, the wise would call it potential.

The potential to become the next big sadistic, evil and immoral wrong-doer. The creator of this masterpiece, whoever you are, you have impressed us.

Feed from Weasel-o-matic
Contact us if you ever feel the need for a lucrative career. We can assure you that we will provide you a platform to showcase your great talents and rise high, high in a world that is trying to rid itself of all forms of cruelty. You shall be the beacon of hope for all those who still believe in EVIL!

Pet Peeves Everyone Should Have

Was it Mark Twain who said that "Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."? Don't know eh? Well it was, and I'm pretty sure too because I just copy pasted that line from somewhere. Notice the full stop at the end of that quote. I didn't even bother editing it out. Okay anyway, on to more important things, like, do I agree with that quote? No I do not. Also in my capacity as the lone ranting hermit on the non-sarcastic (with a hyphen) blog's BOD, I am not allowed to agree with such blasphemy. Not that I want to, you understand. That's the important thing.
Anyway, nub of the matter, so to speak, is that the logical conclusion, is that somethings are stupid. Here's a list.
1. The phrase 'a pain in the butt'. Anybody and everybody keeps spouting the phrase. "Man, this course is a pain in the butt" and "Mark is being a real pain in the ass". I think it is very offensive and ignorant towards people in hospitals suffering from butt disorders. Like I saw this one episode on House (FOX 9PM Eastern) where this guy suffered from a rectal bleed. Now that's a real pain in the butt.
2. People who read the above pet peeve and observed I used the name 'Mark' instead of a more 'Indian' name like 'Oomanakuttan' or 'Nelson Mohammad Gandhi'. So, I wanted to reach a wider audience, sue me. Unless you're a crazy lawyer. In which case, you can express your discontent in a civil manner in the comments section.
3. The word 'cool'. It's overdone. And it's variations, like 'cool stuff', 'cool shit', 'cool man' and the especially putrid 'coolio'. I wonder where he is though, 'Coolio'. Kinda disappeared after that lone grammy he won in '96. So, if you're playing jeopardy and the category is 'four letter words that have been abused the most' for $300 and you get the word 'cool', don't answer with a 'Hey, let's eat Pizza today?' or a 'Wanna go for a movie?'. Try instead a 'How would you like your lemonade this hot summer day?' or even a 'How does the muzzle of a gun pressed against your temple feel?'.
4. Same as three, but you chose the category 'most abused three letter words' for $500 instead and the word was 'hot'. Priyanka Chopra is a Goddess who walks on earth and is the epitome of grace and perfection. A metal foundry on the other hand, is 'hot'. I mean these are slang that have existed for more than 20 years now. We're in danger of using the same slang as old people. It is time to move on.
5. People who thought The Dark Knight was only an 'okay' movie. Suddenly, everyone's a critic. I've seen puke with better taste.
6. Rumours of Ronaldo moving to Real. Like ManU's some stupid hick who gets dumped at the altar and then decides to return to his hometown and introspect on his life and pick up the pieces of what's left of it and then realises he has nothing really earth shattering going on his life anyway and proceeds to disembowel himself. It's a subtle analogy. You have to go through it with a fine toothed comb to get it.
7. People who have pet peeves not on this list. Grow up, suck-on-it and learn to be tolerant you intolerant vastards, as a friend of the BOD likes to put it.

Yours sincerely,
The ranting hermit.

Extremely normal band names

Warning: This post might be too dangerous even for our regular readers.

I personally love a lot of music (Go Britney!!!!!1111). Its not a big deal if you are a solo artist, 'coz you can keep your own name as the "band name". But there are exceptions to this too - intelligent people like L L Cool J. (Don't ask me how I know this, but L L stands for Ladies Love.) Next we have "The artist formerly known as Prince". Wouldn't it be really cool to change your name to an un-pronounceable word.? Apparently, "The artist formerly known as Prince" thought so too. Of course, at that time he was just known as Prince.

Super cool names maybe limited to individuals. But normal names are more common to bands. Take for example, one of my all time favorite bands : Porcupine Tree. There is only one possible explanation for that name. The band members had gone on a trek. While they were eating mangoes from the top of a "Tree", a huge rock fell on one of the band members. (Incidentally, this explains the sudden disappearance of one of the Porcupine Tree's founding Greek members: Mr. Porcupinus Treus.) Anyway, it was found out that a "Porcupine" had pushed the rock. Whether by mistake or on purpose, still remains a mystery. Amazingly, the porcupine was also eating mangoes from another "Tree" at a higher altitude.

Another band that I recently discovered was "The Pineapple Thief". It is pretty obvious as to why that name was chosen, if you know a little background info about its members. Their neighbor was a "pineapple" cultivator. For unknown reasons, he was losing a lot of pineapples. He thought it was flying pterodactyls that devoured his precious fruits. But once his musical neighbors became famous and revealed their band name, the little farmer sued the band members for all the money he had lost. The farmer won case but with no reward, since the band was called "The Pineapple Thief" and NOT "The Pineapple Thieves". They handed over a homeless person hanging around their house as the single thief, thereby achieving a moral victory even though the case was lost.

The homeless guy was released soon afterwards, since he enjoyed living in his cell more than on the streets. Becoming desperate, he became a serial killer so as to get back indoors, but the police wouldn't let him. Eventually, he became rich and got his own house, knowing which, the cops put him back in the cell and charged him with 11 life sentences.

Here is a complete list of equally normal band names that I did not refer to while writing this:
http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/quotes/funnyband.html

I had warned you about this post.

Spam alert!

This post is of high importance and will contain minimal sarcasm, possibly even zero sarcasm.

The spam I refer to is not from the outside. Instead it is one of our co-authors who decided to contaminate our dear NSB. It has always been our nature to stick to principles and not break them, whatever the circumstances. But the post on Chromotron came in as a major shock to me! The rules that he so blatantly broke are:

1. Every post must contain as much evil as is possible. The only evil word in his post was 'dark'. Simply unacceptable.

2. All posts must be very different from other posts. The usage of must...blah, must...blahblah and must...more blahblahblah is getting ridiculous.

3. Death, evil, must...kill, idiot, Dodo

4. Every post must be useless. Useful posts can go to tuttyfruitymushywushy.blogspot.com or usefulpostssonly.blogspot.com or ibemakingverygayposts.blogspot.com

Must stay bored...

Must play Chronotron... Must stay bored...feeel weak... going dark... reach keynoarrrrrr...Wlrah.


http://www.addictinggames.com/chronotron.html

How to get bored

Since I am bored most of the time these days, I thought I might help others who might be trying to follow the path of boredom. All the people get bored some of the time. Some people get bored all the time. But, it is my life mission to make all the people bored all the time. Now that is not an easy task. But I found out a way that helped me in getting closer to that goal.

It all started with a bit of laziness, which, of course,  is a pre-requisite for boredom. If you are not born lazy, then this is not for you. Even if you were trained to be lazy, it would be hard to follow the talented lazy ones. So, as I was saying, this laziness started because I had to get a bottle of maaza from my refrigerator to quench my thirst while I was lying on my bed with my laptop. After thinking for about half an hour, whether or not to get that bottle, my thirst ordered me to go and get it. In that hurry, my laptop fell on the floor, creating a small dent on the marble floor. It also transferred some of that white paint onto my extremely shiny and well-maintained black laptop.

Luckily, it was still working but I found out that the wireless connection on my laptop had decided to go berserk. It was now giving a speed of 3 kbps instead of the usual 60. The next thing I saw were the gates to hell opening themselves, inviting me in. But, after some thought, I realized that I should act more sensibly. And so, I am currently sharing this incident to all those who want to follow me. Here are the steps:

1. Pick up your laptop.

2. Raise it to around 2 meters above the ground.

3. (Optional) Turn on the laptop. This will give better results.

4. Make sure that 5 fingers are used to hold the laptop.

5. Start a countdown from 10 down till 0.

6. Pretend to squish a fly near your ears with both hands the second you mutter zero.

7. Within 1 second, the marble paint should be on your shiny well-maintained black laptop.

8. Check to see that the laptop is still working.

9. If it is not, probably your wireless connection is also not working, which is a good thing.

10. If your wireless connection is still working, repeat the above steps till it stops working, or your laptop becomes white, or your downstairs neighbour starts complaining, or your laptop stops working.

11. The time taken to get bored will now depend on other factors. I got bored in 20 seconds. It would take even upto 2 hours. This is inversely proportional to your coolness factor.

12. As a final step, if all of this went according to plan, you should have suicided by now and not gotten to see Step # 12. I would have already met you in hell.