How to get bored

Since I am bored most of the time these days, I thought I might help others who might be trying to follow the path of boredom. All the people get bored some of the time. Some people get bored all the time. But, it is my life mission to make all the people bored all the time. Now that is not an easy task. But I found out a way that helped me in getting closer to that goal.

It all started with a bit of laziness, which, of course,  is a pre-requisite for boredom. If you are not born lazy, then this is not for you. Even if you were trained to be lazy, it would be hard to follow the talented lazy ones. So, as I was saying, this laziness started because I had to get a bottle of maaza from my refrigerator to quench my thirst while I was lying on my bed with my laptop. After thinking for about half an hour, whether or not to get that bottle, my thirst ordered me to go and get it. In that hurry, my laptop fell on the floor, creating a small dent on the marble floor. It also transferred some of that white paint onto my extremely shiny and well-maintained black laptop.

Luckily, it was still working but I found out that the wireless connection on my laptop had decided to go berserk. It was now giving a speed of 3 kbps instead of the usual 60. The next thing I saw were the gates to hell opening themselves, inviting me in. But, after some thought, I realized that I should act more sensibly. And so, I am currently sharing this incident to all those who want to follow me. Here are the steps:

1. Pick up your laptop.

2. Raise it to around 2 meters above the ground.

3. (Optional) Turn on the laptop. This will give better results.

4. Make sure that 5 fingers are used to hold the laptop.

5. Start a countdown from 10 down till 0.

6. Pretend to squish a fly near your ears with both hands the second you mutter zero.

7. Within 1 second, the marble paint should be on your shiny well-maintained black laptop.

8. Check to see that the laptop is still working.

9. If it is not, probably your wireless connection is also not working, which is a good thing.

10. If your wireless connection is still working, repeat the above steps till it stops working, or your laptop becomes white, or your downstairs neighbour starts complaining, or your laptop stops working.

11. The time taken to get bored will now depend on other factors. I got bored in 20 seconds. It would take even upto 2 hours. This is inversely proportional to your coolness factor.

12. As a final step, if all of this went according to plan, you should have suicided by now and not gotten to see Step # 12. I would have already met you in hell.

Be a-ware! Do the right thing!

Dear readers,
NSB was started as a blog to make a difference to our world, and we intend to keep that promise. Every post is delivered to you freshly packed and enriched with NutriWords™, supplemented by VitaGraphs™ and plenty of FibroPics™ so that you get a complete, balanced, wholesome dose of information that adds that zinnnng to your day!
At NSB, we care, about you, your family and their well-being, and would never entertain even the faintest notions of providing anything less than the very best!

The exciting lives of the people around us is what motivates every member here at NSB to provide the very best articles. Today's article is a tribute to the lives of these people, who sit at their comps with grit and determination, to make their day special and live out their dreams! We salute you! \0/
PS: Yes, we're a motivated bunch :)

Disproved

Yesterday, scientists after 6 years, 5 months, 4 days, 3 hours, 2 minutes and 1 second of research, found out that the bird was actually not a word. The startling information came just minutes before the official announcement for the confirmation of bird being the same as a word.

The scientific calculations proved that the bird was equal to or greater than a word. Therefore, the chance that the bird was exactly equal to a bird was very very slim. The fact that it has been widely published that the bird was equal to the word, was interpreted as 'the bird is ALWAYS equal to the word'. This has now been modified to 'the bird is SOMETIMES equal to the word'.

Although, it may only be a minor rewording of the statement, it has had pretty strong repercussions all over the world. But, it may not be the biggest scare yet, because there are rumors that scientists are on the verge of another major discovery, that the 'bird itself is not a bird'.

Did you know that...

Over the years, humans have produced some good music(Yeah ok, Humans - Creed have produced good music). But, ever once in a while, they come up with songs that have such complexity, such guitar solos, such melodies and most signficantly, such beauty. Probably the greatest song ever made has to be "Surfin' Bird' by The Trashmen. If you thought the title was good and the band name was great, then the lyrics are gonna blow your mind away:

A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a don't you know about the bird? Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word! A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a... A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a don't you know about the bird? Well, everybody's talking about the bird! A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Surfin' bird Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb... [retching noises]... aaah! Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa- Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-oom-oom-oom Oom-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-a-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow Papa-oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow Oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow Well don't you know about the bird? Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word! A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow Very very surprisingly, the Ramones have covered this song. Maybe the world hadn't yet realized that the bird is a word.

coming soon: adventure,mystery, and gratuitous sex

The Last Panda hasn't been spotted in a while.Some say he is dead. Some say he quit his job as a bad-humour fighting supervillain to preach at the church of scientology. Still others say he just nipped down to the local porn store to refill his dwindling supplies. His less talented minion co-bloggers have been posting (mostly random pieces of clipart floating about on the interwebs) intermittently. People walking on the streets pause a while, their weary eyes searching the murky skies for a sign of justice and comic relief, only to quickly look again and walk back to their mundane lives. Will there be no relief from this dastardly assault on taste? Will not a new hero arise to bring back evil grins to the faces of the wretched unwashed masses? Who shall save us all from this pit of literary depression(or recession perhaps)? Maybe a racoon, or a possessed teddy bear?

Fear not. The Panda lives. From this wretched uncharted corner of the blogosphere, he shall arise anew, in his own film-noir style comic strip. As soon as hes back from the local porn store.

The Abyss of Despair (Sniff..Sob!)

I hang my head in shame today. I can't believe I did that! Oh! To have stared into the abyss and have it stare back at you, drowning within the torrent of despair that distorts reality into bananas!
Alas, what I thought had been an lifetime of dedication to Dr. Evil, turned out to be a sham, a hopeless pretense, a jar of bananas, which I, as an innocent ( meaning impeccably evil ) monkey, stuck my hand into, to have it stuck there FOREVER!

Oh the shame of it all! Exposed like this, you see my soul standing stark naked in front of your eyes, and a revolting little soul it is, albeit a tad good-looking, if I say so myself. Yet hope still remains... I hope. Purged of the mole spirit that infested my very being, I'm born anew, a new monke...man - no more chasing after bananas and other weasel traps.

My fellow post-men of the NSB, my fans and beloved readers from around the world, my mentor Dr. Evil, and yes, my teddy bear George, I ask you only this once to forgive me. The twisted dirt path that I led is now behind me. I've climbed out of that mucking road, once and for all and moved onto the highway - a long glorious road that has only darkness and pure evil at the end of it. I'm sorry that I let you all down. I truly am, and I wish to wipe the past clean like a janitor with a bucket of phenyl and a mop, and see life for what it truly is.
The treatment I underwent snapped me back to my senses, and upon re-discovering the incalculable amount of creativity stashed within that psychological masterpiece of mine, I proceeded on my latest creation, a work that symbolizes what has been taken away by those snivelling weasels! Ah, but look closely for there's lots left... Here's to a great new life of evil!

We may have a mole

Dear NSB readers,

It is with great sadness that I inform you, that NSB may not be the pure evil we intended it to be. While it is true that we are way more evil than our nearest competitors (wannabenonsarcasticblog.blogspot.com and nonsarcasticblog.livejournal.com), we seem to have a cross between a mole and a weasel amongst us. We at NSB require only one trait - the ability to say, think and do evil. Also, we're extremely picky about the species we choose to recruit. We have no problem with evil men, evil monkeys, evil pandas, evil cows and other evil beings of otherwise peaceful species.

So when we recruited Thngz as an evil monkey, we never questioned him about his background and past, simply because he was pure evil and such talent is hard to come by these days. However, recent events have brought to light facts that we couldn't have imagined even in our most evil dreams (Not even after being completely blood drunk)

Our investigations indicate that the weasel-mole has been trying his best to join other wannabe evil companies by trying to discredit other prominent NSB members. The recent graph published on NSB was the nail in the coffin. Our sleuths then tailed Thngz to investigate possible motives. What they subsequently found was shocking and we would like to warn you of the graphic content of the following parts of this message. It is highly suitable for kids below 18 years of age. Adults, please step back.

Apparently, Thngz did all this to get ahead in his career. Thngz confessed to a dame that he felt he wasn't evil enough to compete with the rest of NSB and hence he tried getting a job with Evilsoft by leaking well protected NSB secrets to them. We have received information that his reward would have been the following luxurious office ...



Thngz's real identity was exposed when we sent one of our best photographers to ask him to pose and show the camera his inner self. Thngz gladly obliged and this was the photo that was taken.



We like evil, but a mole pretending to be evil is, in fact good, and that is by no means acceptable. So our elite crime fighting force got to work and I am happy to inform you that we have flushed out all the good from the mole (We couldn't flush out the mole simply because his potential to do evil is simply too great)



However, all is not lost. To quote our mentor Dr Evil, "Where there is evil, there are many ways". The flushmolotherapy seems to be working and thngz seems to be losing his weasel mole attributes and whatever that is good in him has been purged forever. Here's wishing him a speedy recovery.

Feed from Weasel-o-matic
Also, we at NSB pledge never to let mishaps like this happen ever again, for it questions the core processes of our esteemed organization and casts serious doubts over our ability to satisfy our customers with the top quality they have come to expect from us

Just to show you the progress Thngz has been making, here is a latest photo of Thngz



We know he looks a bit off colour, but he's showing great improvement and very soon, things will be back to normal in Blogsville.

Evil knight vs Peter Griffin

Evil knight: You see that kids? Your father's nothing but a FIZZLE!

Peter: Nobody calls me a FIZZLE and gets away with it!

Well, except for that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it.

But most people who call me a FIZZLE don't get away with it!

Well, actully the guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle.

After today, only half the people who ever called me a FIZZLE will have gotten away with it!

NSB History (And a sign of things to come...)

As I'm sure you're aware, NSB recruits only the very best of the best non-sarcastic, non-idiotic, and incorruptibly evil mon..er...people, and demands their very best (read most non-sarcastic, non-idiotic and purely evil work) from them. Yet, despite our best efforts to maintain our lofty standards, the vile evil that is mediocrity (by that we mean good, saintly stuff) seems to have slithered its tentacles amidst us, defiling (by purifying) all our evil thoughts before we get them onto the blog. Therefore, it is with great regret that I must release the Awesomeness! Figures for this quarter (quarter of what, I'm not really sure, but the chart was too cool to hold back).

As you can clearly see, the Awesomeness! of our posts have been steadily declining, and we attribute this to the intense joy of unrestricted consumerism, that have infected our blogging team because of the high salaries earned by their alter egos. This proves, once again, that money is NOT the root of all evil, rather it CAN buy happiness. That's certainly not a good thing (not evil is never good) and we'll try our best in the future by spending it off quickly and never possessing too much of it at any given time.



Yes, a few posts do stand much above the others, and they will always serve as beacons, radiating evil/non-sarcasm/non-idiocy in our goody-goody universe!

Evil dead?

Have you done your bad deed of the day? Probably not, but if I had asked you this very same question 5 years ago, everyone would have said yes with their evil laughs. In a shocking twist of events, non-sarcastic blog experts have found some disturbing statistics found on the front page of Blog Times - "98% of the people in the world are not evil." This is very scary indeed, considering the fact that the main reason we are alive on earth is to see evil, hear evil and of course, do evil.

We sent our top reporters to the scene of this announcement. "Yes, it is quite sad that evilness is coming to an end", said Thngz, who wished to stay anonymous, we chose otherwise. At the same time, a pissed-off Evil Panda exclaimed, "I will not let idiots take over the world!", who had no such intentions of staying anonymous. "Idiots?", asked our number one reporter, 47, who had such amazing buttering skills that even pandas slipped and fell down. "What do you mean by idiots?"

"If you are not evil, you are an idiot.", concluded Evil Panda. We managed to get a snapshot of what has been going on.





In spite of all this mayhem, we still have a ray of hope. There are still people(and monkeys) who hold on to what they truly believe. That is why they were born, that is their sole purpose of living - to mock the idiots.


And we at NSB truly believe in that motto - Death to all the idiots! Ahahhahahhaha!!!!!!!!!1111one